It has been a few days since I posted and I guess quite a lot has happened and made me think but today has been one of those emotion roller coaster days.
This morning I woke and went straight to my 8:40 doctors appointment. I won't go in to the details as I don't feel that is suitable but I was diagnosed today after 3 and a half years of umming and ahhing from multiple doctors and nurses. In a way, it feels great to finally know exactly what is going on with my body and that I am now prepared for any challenges I face. On the other hand, it terrifies me - it leaves me with a lot of uncertainties in my future. I've realised however, especially over the past few months, that this diagnosis does not define me and yes, it may make certain situations in my life slightly more difficult, but it does not affect me every day. At the end of the day, I'm just happy I now have a definite diagnosis.
This evening however was a very relaxing and reflective time. I went to the carol service with the netball girls. I ran in to a friend from home so it was lovely to catch up. The carols were great - I always forget how much I love singing in a crowd. BUT the main thing from the night was on a completely different level.
I felt a connection. I truly am starting to believe there is something more... a higher power.... a God. As a young child I always spoke to what I though to be God despite my parents being atheist. I used to truly believe he was there. I guess I was around 6 years old when I started questioning it. From the age of 6 to 13 I didn't know what I believed but did however question it the entire time. After 13 years, I think I just gave up trying to work it out. I resided to the idea that I was never going to know for sure so how could I possibly believe in something that there was no "evidence" for. I am now 21 and this year, for the first time in many and for some particular reasons, I have started reflecting again. I have even started praying. Now... when I say praying it may not be your conventional idea, maybe it is, but I feel a connection and that is relighting something that I think used to exist inside the 6 year old me.
The connection I felt tonight was strong. It felt like he was telling me that everything with regards to my health is going to be alright and that I am starting my life on the right track. One of the speakers today led a prayer which had the theme of "I'm sorry and thank you". I took this in my own way to mean "I'm sorry for the 8 years that I have neglected my faith and thank you for accepting me back and helping me understand myself.".
I just want to point out though that I am not connecting myself to any particular religion. I am still trying to work out what I personally believe. I find myself becoming interested in learning more about different religions and faiths - trying to see if any agree with what I believe. If that fits with a particular religion... then that's great. If not... that's fine too because I know it's what I truly believe and that is what is important to me.
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